Crazy cakes

Okay, so enough of the sappy..."I love my kids, blah, blah, blah"...(though I will be posting a "what I LOVE about Leila" post so shut up). Today I had a visit from my awesome friend Jenni (who in case you don't know, has a church here in West Orlando called Elevate). A lot of my friends find it odd that I am such good friends with a person who has their own church, being the way I am about all the god stuff. Everyone always asks,"what on earth do you and Jenni have to talk about"? Well, first off, she is an awesome and inspiring mom (patient, loving, kind, easy going, etc) but she is also really, really real. I have never felt judged by her in any way and she knows it ALL. She knows all the hang ups that I have with her best friend (Jesus) and how I am about religion and faith and all of it. Side bar, she has never brought up religion with me. If we discuss anything in that realm it is because I bring it up. I lay it out there and she does her best to try and sift through my cynicism to give me some sort of clarity. Well, needless to say I have been very forward and forth coming about a lot of my fears with Jenni because she has a very calming way of making it all seem more manageable and less breath taking  and all consuming. I really value our friendship because she excepts my craziness and makes me feel not quite as crazy, even if she is just pretending. I had a point...
Oh yeah, so today when we were talking I had one of those moments where I thought, "Oh my god, maybe I am a little crazy"!!! I was describing how I have these weird thoughts and that if I do not disprove them than I will panic until I make it right. For example, last night I was walking up to bed and I had this weird flash/vision that Nya was dead in her bed. I took the next few steps and tried to talk myself out of it but I could not do it. So I, with a little extra pep in my step, walked (no ran) to Nya's bedroom. I opened the door which caused her to stir (or jerk) in her bed a little. I thought "OK, she is fine" then I closed the door. Then I thought "Oh no, what if that was just her nerves still ticking (like a lizard's tail when it gets cut off) and she actually is dead". So...I then opened the door again, shook her body, made sure she was breathing and blew in her face until she turned over and pulled the covers over her head (which I then pulled down so she would not suffocate to death). I really thought to myself, "phew, now I can go to bed." This cannot be normal, all mother's cannot do this. I do things like this all the time, with all of my kids.
OK, now that I have confirmed my kookiness. Back to Jenni. I have been to her church a few times and every time I think "OK, maybe the switch will turn on and I can believe in god and then I will not worry about every single thing and I can relax a little bit". Well, obviously that has not happened BUT I have decided that there is still hope for my children. I can make sure that they believe in god and then they will not have this fear that I have everyday. Now some people say, "you do not have to go to church to believe in god" and maybe that is true but those people do not have me as their mother. I just think that they will be much happier, well rounded children if they have some sort of faith in something. But then I started thinking, "if they believe in god does that mean that they will think homosexuality is wrong or worse still...will they be REPUBLICAN"? If the answer is "yes" then maybe I don't want them to believe in god. Oh no, back to square one. Dammit!
Either way, lucky for all my faithful blog readers, I will be posting more about my crazy INSANITY for your amusement. Also, as a little personal therapy session, I think when I write or say these lunacies out loud, it makes me see how crazy it is and maybe I can stop thinking this way (or maybe not). Either way, I guarantee you will feel like better parent after reading about all the psycho things that I say (and do) to my children all do to my fear based reality.
Like I said, crazy cakes!!!